Neon Ghosts

Kyle Brown came home late one night tripping on mushrooms. These are not the mushrooms that you put in your salad, however you probably can do so. It would entirely depend on how weird you are.

The kind that Kyle Brown took were inter-dimensional. They’re the kind that make time deathly slow as you see everything in neon. It was on Halloween that he came home tripping on these shrooms.

Kyle reached for his doorknob and the doorknob glowed with a brilliance that he could not describe nor truly comprehend. So he laughed in euphoria and entered his studio apartment.

The single pumpkin light in the far corner of his studio glowed in a fiery orange smile much like it had done before but this time it was alive with color. This was no doubt the result of the drugs that he had consumed three hours earlier. With a swift twist of his wrist Kyle locked the door. He was safely inside or so he thought.

Kyle hummed to himself as he slipped off his tired loafers. That’s when he felt it. Something was clogging up the studio apartment atmosphere. Whatever it was Kyle did not like it. He slowly lifted his head up and scanned the room to see a neon glowing sheet ghost sitting on his sagging sofa.

Kyle could hear his heart howling to get out of his chest. He blinked and blinked but the classic sheeted ghost that glowed so brilliantly neon did not go away as hoped. It flashed orange, red, purple, green and blue. It was not in that order. It seemed to have no order in its display.

The ghost reminded Kyle of those freaky fluorescent flashing fish that hang out in the darkest depths of the ocean. The ones that they always showed on ocean specific documentaries for late-night television viewing. Television was something he could turn off. This was not something he could turn off or make go away. Without taking his spiraling eyes off the paranormal intruder, Kyle slowly reach for the light switch.

” DO NOT TURN ON THE LIGHTS!” said a soft childlike voice that slipped out from underneath the folds of the sheeted ghost.

“uh, why?” was the only thing his cosmic lit brain could think to say.

The ghost did not answer but instead swiftly and effortlessly stood up from its sitting position as if it was hoisted up by an invisible string. The ghost was nearly ten feet tall. It’s rounded head scraped the ceiling. The head slowly turned towards Kyle and revealed two black eyes and black moaning mouth.

“You dick!” roared Kyle as he fell on the floor in disbelief.

The ghost started laughing hysterically. He pointed at Kyle and buckled over in glee. Slapping his ghost knee he bellowed out, “I got you, you stupid dink!”

Kyle shook his head and stared at the laughing asshole.

“Booghoulie, I could fucking kill you!

“That’s what you get for doing shrooms without me.”

Kyle looked at his laughing ghost roommate with a face as cold as a tombstone. How could he hate this sad sack of a ghost? After all he was his best friend.

“Besides,” said Booghoulie. “I’m already dead!”

Kyle exploded in a fit of laughter at this obvious truth. The small, drab studio apartment was quickly filled with joy for nothing is better than having a best friend in life and in death.

A Fat Yarn of Horror, For the Kids.

Felix Fogwright was skinny now. Before, Felix was a fat kid who would shove bacon laced burgers down his throat, and wash the greasy mounds down with a thick chocolate milkshake. Something he used to call “the meat slide.” But Felix Fogwright was skinny now.

It was only last year that he happened across Mr. Glut and his top secret skinny diet. It was a fool proof method that would see Felix thin just before the start of his high school career -something that he knew was super important to any soon-to-be freshman fatty. It was indeed a fool proof plan if Felix Fogwright was a listener, and of course he wasn’t.

It might have been built up burger grease that dripped inside his ears. Perhaps his head was so full of cotton candy and chocolate bars that his brain had no room to listen. Whatever it was, it cost the soon-to-be freshman skinny kid to suffer what Mr. Glut called “the one side effect that would occur if he did not pay heed to his warning of one vegetable a day!”

By God! All Felix had to do was eat one vegetable a day in order to not feel the one side effect that he was currently feeling. Anything! One baby carrot or one broccoli – it simply did not matter as long as it was one stinking vegetable. Poor stupid kid.

Well, you could have asked Felix Fogwright exactly why he didn’t listen, but that would require him to be present. You see, the one side effect to Mr. Gluts’ one side effect fool proof diet was this: drink the elixir and eat one vegetable a day, or become so terribly hungry that you will have no choice but to begin to “autocannibalize .“ You read that correctly – autocannibalize (the act of eating oneself).

So, the reason you cannot talk to Felix Fogwright is that he ate himself up. But don’t be foolish. He didn’t eat himself up all the way. That would be ludicrous. No, he ate himself up right up to his chest area. Everything from his toes, feet, legs, guts, liver, both kidneys, and eventually his fat little heart – in which he sucked dry like those delicious milkshakes he oh so loved.

So Fat Felix Fogwright was happy. Dead, yes, but happy nonetheless. But you wouldn’t know that because he’s dead. And dead fat kids tell no tales.