Halloween Treats 2017: Part I

In order to escape the insanity of the day I decided that Goober peanut butter and jelly was needed in my life. I am an avid consumer of the sandwich called PB&J. So when I get the need to feed, I jauntily head to my kitchen to consume. Today I really needed a fix. So you could imagine how fucking pissed I was when I found my supply of Goober was all but gone!

Beyond irritated (nothing new) I drove to my local supermarket in what I can only describe as fucking terrible weather. It was like living in a wet wool sock that was worn during football practice. Luckily the local Jewel was only minutes from my crypt.

Using a spatula to scrap my balls from my truck seat, I wandered into the nearly empty store with Goober on my mind but came out with something much, much more.

Yeah, I found the Goober goodness but I also found some freaking awesome Halloween treats! My head was so distracted that I forgot that the chances of encountering Halloween in the wild were pretty high since I personally started Halloween this year. You read that correctly. I found Halloween first. Let me have my childish statement, damn it!

So without further ado I present to you my Halloween Treats: Part 1.

 I’m not going to bore you with my play-by-play analysis  of this bologna. But what I will say is this – The color scheme of Halloween treats truly erases any negativity that surfaces in my pea brain. These packages and all that they contain is one of the many reasons why we all love Halloween.

I Found the Devil at Flashback Weekend.

The green and red mohawked man’s jean jacket vest was covered in the most extreme horror patches and buttons I had ever seen. He had patches dedicated to Cannibal Holocaust and pins featuring Charles Band’s shit-tastic pile of cinema trash. But it wasn’t these obnoxious displays of identity that disturbed me so; it was the pinned patch in the center of his jacket that read, “Ask Me About Satan.”

These horror conventions are drowning with all sorts of characters. Here, you’ll find Halloween-Heads, Horror critics, Punks, and even the ultra rare, almost extinct legend that is the Goth. So it wasn’t really the patch that had my heart pumping faster than normal. It was his aura.

I’m almost positive this guy felt me judging his patches because he turned around and grinned straight at my face. I pulled my eyes away and started awkwardly staring at some shitty homemade spooky candles that some aged punk rocker chick was selling.

But what the fuck did I see? It was only a brief glance but I’m almost positive the Satan patched dude had tiny sharp teeth and bible black eyes! I decided to steal another glance.

Confirmed! The guy was still staring at me and he had the blackest fucking eyes I had ever seen. Shark eyes. The eyes that Quint from Jaws spoke about. Before I could process the thought through my energy drink trenched brain, the guy turned around and walked swiftly through the crowd. And I did the stupidest thing anybody could do after seeing a sharp toothed guy with devil eyes: I followed.

I pushed past a fat Freddy who was delivering one out of a thousand cheesy Nightmare lines. Fred cosplay voices are equivalent to Heath Ledger Joker cosplay voices so I couldn’t help but wince. But doing this distracted me from focusing on the man with the ‘Ask me about Satan patch. And that’s when I crashed into Sean Patrick Flanery.

S.P.F (thanks Chris) was fist pumping to terrible music. He smiled and audibly hooted in some sort of cocaine or super fruit vitamin burst. I looked past his orange glow to see my target farther than I wanted him to be. Flanery hooted again and invited me to a shared pump of the fists.

“Not now, Junior!”

I pushed past him.and continued my search for the Satan guy. I couldn’t locate him! I hissed a curse as I desperately scanned the buzzing convention floor like a T-800.

Target acquired! I found him taking a selfie with some big boobed girl with tattoos that she could not have gotten sober. With some sort of stupid courage, I hit continue in this stupid game of cat and mouse!

Just as I was about to reach him, or IT, a t-shirt vendor ambushed me.

“Don’t be shy! Take a look at all our overpriced t-shirts!” said the vendor who grew up on the Twilight Saga.

“Cool but, uh-”

“I know right?! See they all glow under black light?! You see? How cool is that – black light?”

She giggled and flashed a black-light wand like some 12-year-old girl high on rock candy. I wasn’t in the market for stupid shirts but I knew I couldn’t escape this trap so easily. So, I let her have it.

“Why the fuck would I pay $35 dollars for a shirt that turns on with a light that I’ll never encounter unless I’m raving with the crew from Return of the Living Dead? And if I’m exposed to said light I’d be risking the embarrassing fact that I have a ton of cum stain on and around my crotch area. Goodbye.”

Using my rudeness as Bat-smoke, I zipped past her and rounded the corner to where I saw the Mohawk Satan go.

“GOD DAMN IT!” I roared.

The fucker was gone! A wave of panic started to sit on my chest as I looked around like Charles Band looking for a paycheck. Was this going to be one of those crazy ass stories that would haunt my mind until the day I die? The story about the time I saw a real demon at a horror con. What a story that could have been.

The chemicals in my brain did a little dance and I felt depressed as I gloomily walked away to continue my gazing at Lance Henrikson’s liver spots.

“Hey.”

A cigarette cracked voice behind me said. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Somehow, someway I knew this voice belonged to HIM!

My heart pumped faster than Sean Patrick Flanery’s fist as I slowly turned around to confront whatever he or IT was.

His eyes were blacker than black. His teeth; yellow jagged abominations that could rip flesh from bone. Under his jean jacket vest, he wore a simple Hanes undershirt with a crude image of an upside down Crucified Jesus. This guy was the real fucking deal!

With a smile, he presented a large black book to me. The book was made of leather. The cover had the Satanic pentagram etched in fine gold ink. I know what this was. It was the Book of Satan! Once I sign it he would give me whatever I wanted! Just like in The Witch movie!

“Wanna check out my portfolio?”.

My saucer wide eyes and slit mouthed grin instantly dropped.

“Whaa?”

The devil guy chortled, put up his index finger to me as if to tell me to hold on. With his other hand, he pulled out his yellow teeth with a slurp. A line of spit webbed from his mouth and fake teeth. The spit string snapped.

“Damn teeth. Gotta love Spirit Halloween, uh?” He chortled again in merriment. “Wanna check out my portfolio. I’m an artist.”

My jaw fell to the floor. That’s when I noticed he was standing behind a booth that read: Vincent Vicious: Dark Mind, Dark Soul, Dark Art.

This guy fucking just baited me right up the ass! I started tearing up as I grabbed his book of art and flipped it opened. Inside I found life like pictures of classic horror icons like Freddy, Jason, and Dracula. The only thing was they were all drawn like Penises. The guy who I thought was an agent of Satan drew life like horror icons as if they were life like dicks. What. The. Fuck.

My lips trembled as tears softly fell down my cheeks. I Sad Dracula’d hard as I walked further into his trap by complimenting his Horror Penis talents.

“That’s soo…original.”

The asshole smiled a beautiful set of teeth. His right black eyeball popped out. A contact. He pulled the other one out. Two beautiful blue eyes twinkled at me.

“Not biggie. Got them cheap on Amazon. Free shipping with Prime. Total win. Wanna buy a print?”

He pointed at a selection of 8×5 prints of his dick art. He had everything from Regan from The Exorcist to a big black King Kong.

“Come on. Help me out. I’m hungry. I gotta make a living. You love horror, right? These are Con exclusives. Come on, these tables aren’t cheap. Whaddya say, buddy? ”

I must have left my body because I saw myself completely giving in by his sales Kung Fu. He sale slayed me. I was almost sobbing as I pointed at the Michael Myers as a penis print.

“That one.”

He pulled it down and autographed it. In what he must have thought as super clever, he added an exclamation in the shape of a penis.

“That would be 45 bones, my man.”

I trembled a smile and gave him my credit card.

In the background, Sean Patrick Flanery gave me a whats up chin and fist pumped in my direction as the black light t-shirt vendor hung on his bicep. She was waving her wand at SPF’s crotch area.  His crotch glowed with a stain.

I cried.

 

Burger King Kids Club Halloween

I have hundreds (and I mean hundreds) of fast food toys. I love them. They remind me of when salt was just salt and not a death sentence. My treasure trove of 90’s fast food toys is dominated by Burger King. I was always a BK kid. I found Kid Vid and his radical pals to be far more cooler than that slap happy clown who was up to something sinister. Never trust a clown!

So I have a ton of neat toys from the golden age of BK. Everything from Pokemon to Bonkers crash cars. However, my collection has one monstrous hole in it. Actually, it far more than a hole. The series that I missed out on goes beyond owning any of the physical toys. I simply cannot remember these toys being advertised! That’s a damn shame since I am a big fan of the Universal Horror Monsters!

Check out this killer Burger King UHM commercial – Burger King Universal Monsters Trailer.

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I have no idea how I missed out on this epic campaign. It could be do to the fact that I was actually fighting monsters instead of playing with them. Pshhh. Ya’ll have no idea what I have seen!

Watching the commercial reminds me of how kick ass fast food toys use to be. Now we get these dinky toys that aren’t even playable. The heck! CAN’T A GUY JUST ORDER A KIDS MEAL SO HE CAN FORGET ABOUT MODERN TIMES!

Ebay hunting I go.

Bye.

 

 

 

The Conjuring 2: Elvis and Demon Nun for the Win!

I am in love with the horror genre. I wouldn’t be wasting away writing this blog if I wasn’t. With that said, I’ve had my fill of the supernatural subgenre. It’s not that I hate it; it’s like when you drink or eat too much of the same thing – your taste buds eventually get bored. My started getting board a couple years back. The Conjuring 2 was surely going to taste stale.

Holy shit was I wrong about this movie. James Wan and company simply killed it! TC2 is a white knuckled terror show that made my testicles retreat into my stomach. The moment I sensed something cliche coming – BOOM! Something completely fresh scared the living hell out of me. Yes, I jumped multiple times out of pure fright. I’m not afraid to admit these things. No chest thumping bro in this blog. One huge thing that caught my eye was the camera work. This time around he used Academy Award winning cinematographer Don Burgess (Forrest Gump). The camera was used as this devilish character that would force us to look where we did not want to. I love DP’s that know how to play with visuals.

Among the thrills and chills TC2 offered, it also did something completely original. There is a sequence in the 2nd act that involves something you would never expect in a horror movie. It’s something that no sane person would ever attempt in a Ghost/Demon film – James Wan pulled off a fucking musical number. I am not screwing around here! He had one of the characters sing an Elvis song. It was perfect!

I will stray from spoilers but we all know James Wan creates amazing monsters. This time around he creates his best one yet! DEMON NUN! If we don’t get a series of films with ‘it’ I will protest by writing my own script!

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I am in love with the horror genre. I thought I had my fill of the supernatural genre; The Conjuring 2 prove me wrong. I actually have a new appetite for it…when it’s done in The James Wan way. The Conjuring 2 screams to be seen on the big screen. It is truly a blockbuster horror movie that will go down as one of the greatest horror sequels of all time.

4/4 stars

Midnight Trailer Treat: Ankle Biters

In 2007 I was leveling up life points by working at a theater in Niles, Illinois. The theater offered me an unlimited opportunity to watch movies. It was a glorious feast for the starving movie monster that lay within my mind.

This was before VOD killed limited release films. I was able to witness a few horror treats that would have most definitely premiered on Netflix this day and age. People tend to forget how deadly the VOD/streaming services really were. However, this rambling tale is not about what I saw on the Silver Screen in 2007. It is about working at the theater and taking my break one wintery night that was a Tuesday.

Taking my final break I decided to skip out on a meal and cruise the aisles of the dollar store that was inside the mall. Everybody in the area knows that Golf Mill Mall is literally the scum underneath a dumpster. This dumpster mall did have one thing that was a pretty cool Dollar Store mentioned prior.  It was in this dollar store that I would find crap DVDs. They would mostly be John Wayne serials or really, really bad 70’s exploitation films. But sometimes I  would find gems like the 2002 epic,  Ankle Biters. Midget vampires, that is all. WITNESS!!

Ankle Biters Trailer

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I bought this DVD in a heartbeat. When I got home in the wee hours of the morning I popped this mofo into my computer and watched the beautiful trash within. It was so damn ridiculous that I couldn’t help admire it.

Filmmaker Adam Minarovich gave it his all. He made a God damn movie about midget vampires. He dedicated his money, time, and dreams to make the movie he wanted to. I don’t know about you but that hit me right in the core. It hit me hard.

I wept.

The Gaunt Reviews: Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1

Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol.1

My bleeding eyes have tasted something sweet and fresh, dear readers! It is with eager fingers that I implore you to read what I have experienced. The indy comic world has a beating heart once again! The Cult of the Graveyard Machine, I give you a throbbing thick review of – Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1.

Freshmen year in high school, I found a palm sized sleaze comic at school. It was tucked away between The Dark Knight Returns and Sin City. This 10 page booklet was a dirty secret that I had in my back pocket for a week. It was filled with murder, sex, and “cock-cussing” bad language. I will never know the names of the creators that gave me that nervous read. But it doesn’t matter because that feeling has been resurrected ten-fold in Volume 1. of Prime Cuts.

Creators John Franklin and Tim Sulka have Frankensteined the classic tale of Sweeney Todd to the point of brilliant originality. Set in post apocalyptic world where meat has become something of a rarity, law and order is nothing but an idea. Sure, things still function, like Pops Pizza, but anything and everything can happen in a blink of an eye.

The moment our hero, Todd Sweeney, leaves The Cosmetology Prison, we enter the madness that is Prime Cuts. It never strays from its moral code of true grit. We all know that Sweeney Todd is a tale of revenge and fate. Prime Cuts takes that and literally says, ‘fate? fuck that’. It completely dices and slices up what you would expect, and presents the raw meat that you ain’t suppose to eat!

When I finished Prime Cuts I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I got when reading that “dirty” comic as a kid. It wasn’t a perverted boner filled feeling. It was a proud discovery feeling. Weird? Let me explain. Prime Cuts is a graphic novel that you read and pass along to your friends. With a knowing grin you say, “Have you ever read, Prime Cuts?”

Read well,

The Gaunt

Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1 is Graveyard Machine approved! Primce Cuts is written by creative team Tim Sulka (Children of the Corn -666 screenwriter) and John Franklin (Isaac from Children on the Corn). Check out the details using the links below!

For a limited time, a free download of Prime Cuts, vol. 1 is available FREE at http://www.primecutsnovel.com! Hard copies are available for sale at IndyPlanet.com.  Volume 2 coming soon!

Official Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/PrimeCutsNovel/

Rob Zombies Throat Punch Album!

Rob Zombie has unleashed his 6th studio album:The Electric Warlock Acid Witch Satanic Orgy Celebration Dispenser.

The album spins in the realm of 30 minutes. Be warned, these minutes will leave mass destruction of monstrous proportions. It is the throat punch you will give Monday mornings. It is sensational.

Let me tell you some real talk. You ready? Rob Zombie is the last great Rock n’ Roll revivalist. This man has single handily Frankensteined the genre. Here is a man that never strays away from who he is, what he does. From film to music, Zombie will forever be the mad doctor that is never gonna stop saving Rock.b

Buy the album now! – http://robzombie.com/

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Michael Myers kills again in ‘Halloween Returns’.

It appears that Dimension Films and Trancas International Films have announced the resurrection of The Shape in a new installment of the Halloween franchise titled, Halloween Returns. This marks the 11th installment of the legendary franchise.

Halloween Returns has been written by Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton. Dunstan, who was the writer of the Project Greenlight winning film, Feast, will also direct. The new duo have worked together on the Saw Franchise – film four to seven.

That’s all fine and dandy but is that enough to bring Michael Myers back to the his original killing form? Halloween fans got to see a fresh take on the series with Rob Zombies brutal retelling. Though RZ’s films offered a different view of Myers I, and most fans, still found myself craving the return of the classic Boogeyman. But will we get that?

Probably not. Why? It’s simple – Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Meltons entire film career consists of poorly received horror films. Sure they spawned sequels from The Collector and Feast but what horror movie hasn’t spawned a sequel? Feast(1) is barely a cult film. Saw 4-7 are deemed the worst in the series when it comes to the writing. They seem to be over the top gore whores that focus purely on Torture Horror. So what does that mean for Halloween?

It projects the possibility of overly gory Halloween film. Which, in turn, projects another Rob Zombie like take on the series. Which is something, I am sure, fans do not want to see again.

Oh. Guess what? Halloween Returns begins filming in July. That’s less than two weeks away! So what will be see in HR?

The awesome, all things horror site, shocktillyoudrop has revealed that Halloween Returns will have Michael Myers escaping death row and killing again. They also revealed that a reoccuring character from Halloween II will be featured as well. The general consensus is that the film will be taking place after the original Halloween II. Ignoring everything else in the franchise much like Jurassic World did.

With filming underway next month we can only hope that Malek Akkad will help guide Dunstan away from his views on horror and give us the Halloween movie the world craves.

Their are only a few ingredients to a successful Halloween film. A simple plot weaved within the Myers legacy is one of them. But the main ingredient is simply reminding kids that something is out there, watching them from the shadows, a shape…a shape of pure evil.

-The Gaunt