Neon Ghosts

Kyle Brown came home late one night tripping on mushrooms. These are not the mushrooms that you put in your salad, however you probably can do so. It would entirely depend on how weird you are.

The kind that Kyle Brown took were inter-dimensional. They’re the kind that make time deathly slow as you see everything in neon. It was on Halloween that he came home tripping on these shrooms.

Kyle reached for his doorknob and the doorknob glowed with a brilliance that he could not describe nor truly comprehend. So he laughed in euphoria and entered his studio apartment.

The single pumpkin light in the far corner of his studio glowed in a fiery orange smile much like it had done before but this time it was alive with color. This was no doubt the result of the drugs that he had consumed three hours earlier. With a swift twist of his wrist Kyle locked the door. He was safely inside or so he thought.

Kyle hummed to himself as he slipped off his tired loafers. That’s when he felt it. Something was clogging up the studio apartment atmosphere. Whatever it was Kyle did not like it. He slowly lifted his head up and scanned the room to see a neon glowing sheet ghost sitting on his sagging sofa.

Kyle could hear his heart howling to get out of his chest. He blinked and blinked but the classic sheeted ghost that glowed so brilliantly neon did not go away as hoped. It flashed orange, red, purple, green and blue. It was not in that order. It seemed to have no order in its display.

The ghost reminded Kyle of those freaky fluorescent flashing fish that hang out in the darkest depths of the ocean. The ones that they always showed on ocean specific documentaries for late-night television viewing. Television was something he could turn off. This was not something he could turn off or make go away. Without taking his spiraling eyes off the paranormal intruder, Kyle slowly reach for the light switch.

” DO NOT TURN ON THE LIGHTS!” said a soft childlike voice that slipped out from underneath the folds of the sheeted ghost.

“uh, why?” was the only thing his cosmic lit brain could think to say.

The ghost did not answer but instead swiftly and effortlessly stood up from its sitting position as if it was hoisted up by an invisible string. The ghost was nearly ten feet tall. It’s rounded head scraped the ceiling. The head slowly turned towards Kyle and revealed two black eyes and black moaning mouth.

“You dick!” roared Kyle as he fell on the floor in disbelief.

The ghost started laughing hysterically. He pointed at Kyle and buckled over in glee. Slapping his ghost knee he bellowed out, “I got you, you stupid dink!”

Kyle shook his head and stared at the laughing asshole.

“Booghoulie, I could fucking kill you!

“That’s what you get for doing shrooms without me.”

Kyle looked at his laughing ghost roommate with a face as cold as a tombstone. How could he hate this sad sack of a ghost? After all he was his best friend.

“Besides,” said Booghoulie. “I’m already dead!”

Kyle exploded in a fit of laughter at this obvious truth. The small, drab studio apartment was quickly filled with joy for nothing is better than having a best friend in life and in death.

Sad Dracula Finds: VHS Treasures! Vol.1

Friday was filled with relaxation. Saturday was pleasantly lost with friends and alcohol. Sunday was, and always will be, the day of the hunt! Sometimes hunting bodacious treasures takes me to Flea Markets, thrift stores or garage sales for stuff. But this time it was centered on a single solitary mission – hunt for VHS Treasures!

98% of horror fans collect VHS. This is fact. My interest in the almighty VHS was rather simple. My mission was to reclaim all the tapes I had as a kid. I suffer from a danger case of nostalgiaitis. (not a word). So began my journey across Chicagoland to collect the movies in my past. I needed to see the old promos. I need to hear the iconic music of each production company when they owned Hollywood. Nothing beats the old New World Pictures or Orion Pictures production title cards.

What turned into collecting the past turned into an addiction. I would come across horror films that I loved but never saw on tape. The boxes would mesmerize me. Before I knew it I purchased whatever horror VHS I found. Me likey forever.

So this Sunday I continued my VHS adventures. You can bet your left knee cap that  I found some very killer pieces. My collection is sophomoric compared to the big wigs out there. However, I could careless about the size of my…tape collection. It’s a grower not a shower.  But I’m feeling a little naughty. Me want to show you growth. I’ve worked hard at it. Shall we begin?

  1. King Kong VHS : 60th Anniversary Special Edition

20170312_211641.jpg

First up is this absolutely amazing King Kong 60th anniversary collectors edition tape. This was a perfect find since I saw and reviewed Kong: Skull Island! This golden nugget was released  by Turner Home Entertainment in 1993. The digital remastered soundtrack is tasty but what makes this beauty is the fact that the VHS cover ROARS! A brilliant yellow bubble that hovers over Kong on the cover informs the buyer to press Kongs chest. Once this is done we get to hear what sounds like bad indigestion or a grumpy tiger. Still awesome. Also, check out the opening promos that will open the flood gates of nostalgia!

CHECK IT! – King Kong VHS 1993 PROMO

2. Jaws: The Revenge VHS (98)

20170312_211849.jpg

What you look at this ugly piece of work! This 98 Goodtimes Home Video release is simply disgusting….so is Jaws: The Revenge. I love it so! Revenge was one of those movies that I would always watch on TV despite the fact that it offered too much shark and too much Lorraine Gary shoulder pads.

jaws4

Revenge is filled with ridiculous fun. It also features sexy Michael Caine as a Jimmy Buffet guy. I assure you will find delight in this trashbag movie after you separate it with it’s grandaddy from 1975.

For further fun check out this awesome VHS promo!

3. WWF’s Undertaker The Phenom VHS

20170312_211929.jpg

I’m not a mega fan of wrestling but I do love the attitude era. In this era I watched Undertaker do scary things. This made Sad Dracula excited and scared at the same time. Do you understand these two emotions?! Do you understand a child in the 90’s!? Do you understand THE PHENOM!

CNNqmQFWIAAA4hY

I”m really looking forward to watching this treat. The tape has the feud between Taker and his brother, Kane! So sweet. The Attitude Era was, in my opinion, the greatest era of wrestling, ever. It pushed all sorts of boundaries across the sport and across TV. Without this era Trump would have never been POTUS. Thank you, WWF.

4. Halloween:1999 Restored Collectors Edition – Holographic/Hologram cover!

20170315_210948.jpg

When I found this at Half Price I shrieked out loud. I remember seeing this VHS at my old video store on Grand Ave! I haven’t seen it since. It was like finding an old toy in the attic. I never watched this particular VHS. It was the mere image of the Pumpkin transforming to Michael Myers that awed me. I remember if you stood to the side the image would be this demented half Myers/Pumpkin face killer! Ahhh!

20170315_211042.jpg

5. THE REST OF THE HOARD!

20170312_212011.jpg

Well, times a wasting away so I figured I would reveal the rest of my juicy finds! The haul was a tremendous one for a guy like me. A man on a budget so tight that it makes a Rabbi Mortistein look like a 14 year old girl at the mall with her first paycheck.

Collecting this trash is a stress reliever for me. I enjoy it. It’s cheap. It’s fun. It beats sucking on the bottle. Here’s to infinite happiness!

Rob Zombies 31 

I just saw Rob Zombies 31. I’ll cut the shit to the bone: it was awesome!!! This is a mix of the most Dangerous Game infused with the brilliance of Mr. Rob Zombie. Rob Zombie makes Rob Zombie movies. 

31 is the return of brute horror. Zombie said he relishes the sleazy films of the 70’s. He loves it so much that he pays homage to the brand in all his films. He is the curator of the rotting wound that hides under the scab of modern horror. 

In 31 he gives us a simple story. Carnies get kidnapped by a sadistic cult. They must survive the night. Boom. Done. It needs nothing more. Think about all the classic 70’s horror films. They are ultra simplistic in plot. It works.

What makes this film extra special is the simply awesome and deranged characters called Heads. The Top Gun is Doom-Head. This guy is one of my favorite RZ characters now! He’s filled with Twisted morals and poetic gutter dialogue. You love to hate him.

Everybody did a fantastic job in this movie. The soundtrack was awesome, the 70s score was fantastic, the editing was top knotch, the direction is perfect and the acting was great.
After a decade of Supernatural films it’s always nice to get a Rob Zombie experience. I implore everybody to witness this horror show. Remember that horror can only survive if you pay up when good horror is released. 

Horror 1988: Slime City!

One of my favorite things to do when I’m bored is to watch random horror trailers for movies that I have never seen. What’s even better is when I find a trailer to a horror flick that I have never heard of! The feeling of seeing something totally virgin is a damn treat. I’m not saying I’ve seen every single horror movie in the universe. What I’m saying is I’ve heard or come across a dungeon full of horror films so it makes it tough for me to be surprised.

But that’s all going to change starting tonight. The tiny red monster inside me scream for virgin horror cinema. And by golly I will appease its Kong sized appetite! My goal is to select a specific year in horror and pillage it until the red monster is satisfied. This is Graveyard Machine Mission! But every mission must have a game plan. Or maybe just a rough idea of game plan that could potentially be a game plan but out of pure laziness we will not actually have a game plan but a nugget of plan that could be grow into something that looks like a game plan.

Boring! I will do this rough and on the edge! I have selected by year in horror. Now, I could have picked any year. The world is my oyster but I felt like I should pick a year that is special to me. That year is the year the world was given the greatest gift of all time – me. The year is 1988.

The year of my birth is filled with some top shelf horror films. But it’s also bursting with absolutely ridiculous horror movies. So it’s with disgusting pleasure that I present to you the first trailer from Horror: 1988. I give to you the most disgusting horror trailer that I have ever seen.

slimecity

Watching the trailer for Slime City literally had me tasting the yellow pus and goop that seemed to dominate it. It also had me shaking my head and wondering why the heck didn’t I see this in high school! This type of film is awesome garbage. Nice hot, sticky garbage that you pass around to your friends. The movie is apparently about a couple moving into an apartment. The main face takes some sort of drink that turns him into a slimy murderer. YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS TRAILER!

Tell me that wasn’t the most over the top, sanitize your eyeballs trailer you’ve ever seen?! The effects are simply amazing. The gruesomeness is on par with anything I have ever seen. That’s including any Fulci film. Bold statement but true.

Slim City is clearly pure exploitation slop. It’s these kinds of films that you want to watch with a group of friends on a Saturday night. Selecting films at random was sort of a risky decision. I could have wasted three minutes of my life. I’m glad I didn’t waste my precious minutes with this trailer.

SLIME CITY is a Graveyard Machine must watch.

The Future of Horror Part II: The Demon Nun film!

THE DEMON NUN FROM THE CONJURING 2 IS GETTING A SOLO FILM!

I love being right when being right means I am right about something amazing! That something amazing broke earlier today when Hollywood Reporter announced that James Wan and Peter Safran will be producing a Demon Nun spinoff! As you may or may not know, the Demon Nun is Wan’s latest terrifying creation in The Conjuring 2.

The Demon Nun stalks Mrs. Warren!

The Demon Nun was actually a last minute idea by Wan. Hollywood Reporter writes – “the shoot took place in March, just three months before the movie was scheduled to open on June 10. Some of the changes were minor: The art piece that Wilson is painting was altered digitally as the horned demon made way for the demon nun…”

Now that is simply amazing! That is a sign that this movie is destined to become a classic. I love little nuggets like this! I am so glad the God’s of creation blessed Wan with this last minute idea. I knew upon first sighting The Demon Nun would be the new face of horror. You can damn well expect to see awesome Demon Nun merchandise in the very near future.

In Part I of the future of horror article I talked about how The Conjuring 2 would change everything. The announcement about The Demon Nun film only confirms this. This is a perfect opportunity to explore the virtual reality experience! Give us that 4-D experience, baby!

Imagine this if you will: you reach the theater doors. It’s closed. On the doors are upside down crucifixes. The faint sound of The Demon Nun score spills out of the theater as you open the doors. You can’t see anything because thick smog is billowing from an unknown source. As you enter the theater, you trigger a motion detector that activates a animatronic of The Demon Nun! She lunges. You run to your seats, heart beating out of your chest. You fumble with your VR headset, wondering if you can handle The Demon Nun….Can I get an amen?

Go see the The Conjuring 2, folks. It’s one hell of a summer blockbuster!

The Future of Horror: How The Conjuring 2 Will Change Everything.

After three days of The Conjuring 2 rampaging around my head like a devilish poltergeist, I have come to two solid facts: The Conjuring 2 is the blockbuster horror film that the genre has been desperately needing. Second, the Conjuring 2 is the blueprint for the future of horror cinema.

Horror is one of the most remarkable genres in all of cinema. Not only has it has been around since the dawn of film, it has also created subcategories such as the Slasher, Creature Feature, and Found Footage Horror just to tickle a few of its many bones. And let’s face it, it’s hands down the most profitable genre for any filmmaker or studio. People love being scared; it’s a drug.

People have paid money to feel that rush for over 100 years. I can’t speak for others who watch horror movies, but I always turn one on when I’m depressed. The feeling of being scared by fictional images always slash away any feelings of depression or worrying thoughts. It’s a stress reducer; I know I’m safe from the horrors within the celluloid. Yet I still let it crawl under my skin until it clutches my heart. But this feeling we all love is a drug. And we want more of it!

"lets get high."

“lets get high.”

So how can we increase our dosage of fear? And how the hell does The Conjuring 2 play into our delicious habit? It’s simple – TC2 is the horror blockbuster we needed because it’s the blueprint to the future of the horror genre. When I was watching The Hodgson family go through their nightmare, I literally felt as if I was in the Enfield house with them. This was all because of Director James Wan and cinematographer Don Burgess’s damn fine job using the camera in unique and involving ways. Without spoilers, we spent a beautiful amount of time in the point-of-view of the family members; when the mother looked through the door, we were forced to look at what she saw (we all nearly died in fright ) As I mentioned in in my previous article the camera had us possessed. A particular scene involving one of the girls under her sheets had me convinced I saw the future of it all; almost instantly I turned to my fiance and said, “This is why Virtual Reality is perfect for horror.”

Virtual Reality is not science fiction. It’s real. I’ve tasted it. You can google virtual reality headsets and easily buy one for under $50! That means the technology is getting easier and easier to develop. We already have some virtual reality scenes/movies that transport you to a different place or time. The technology is at our fingertips. We can finally experience a main stream horror release in Virtual Reality.

Hold on, hold on! I understand that watching an entire movie this way would be distracting to the story. What I am proposing is to introduce key jump scenes, or dread scenes as I call them. For example, something pops out as we walk down a hallway or peek through a door. Imagine watching the end scene in The Conjuring 2 when everything is going to hell inside the house! That would literally scare the crap out of people. Imagine a VR re-release of The Exorcist (Regan’s room in VR?!) How about a VR re-release of Paranormal Activity!? The possibilities are endless! Sure the movie screen would have to be curved to a certain degree, sure a comfortable headset would have to be created, and sure that means the price would have to increase. Innovation means change and change means money. I don’t care. I think it’s worth extra coin to experience something like that, and I think most people would agree with me.

Going to the movies used to be an experience. Now that we’re in the 21st century, the experience needs to change. Why can’t it? Why shouldn’t it? Why not push the boundaries past the shadows of familiarity? TC2 showed us with fancy camera work, insane scares, and terrifying characters that the future of horror is ready for something more. We are hungry and ready to experience horror like we have never seen it before. The blueprint is all in The Conjuring 2. Let’s get our fix.

By the way – don’t tell me I’m delusional. Warner Bros has already released a taste of the VR future!

WITNESS #theconjuring2 VR HORROR!

The Conjuring 2: Elvis and Demon Nun for the Win!

I am in love with the horror genre. I wouldn’t be wasting away writing this blog if I wasn’t. With that said, I’ve had my fill of the supernatural subgenre. It’s not that I hate it; it’s like when you drink or eat too much of the same thing – your taste buds eventually get bored. My started getting board a couple years back. The Conjuring 2 was surely going to taste stale.

Holy shit was I wrong about this movie. James Wan and company simply killed it! TC2 is a white knuckled terror show that made my testicles retreat into my stomach. The moment I sensed something cliche coming – BOOM! Something completely fresh scared the living hell out of me. Yes, I jumped multiple times out of pure fright. I’m not afraid to admit these things. No chest thumping bro in this blog. One huge thing that caught my eye was the camera work. This time around he used Academy Award winning cinematographer Don Burgess (Forrest Gump). The camera was used as this devilish character that would force us to look where we did not want to. I love DP’s that know how to play with visuals.

Among the thrills and chills TC2 offered, it also did something completely original. There is a sequence in the 2nd act that involves something you would never expect in a horror movie. It’s something that no sane person would ever attempt in a Ghost/Demon film – James Wan pulled off a fucking musical number. I am not screwing around here! He had one of the characters sing an Elvis song. It was perfect!

I will stray from spoilers but we all know James Wan creates amazing monsters. This time around he creates his best one yet! DEMON NUN! If we don’t get a series of films with ‘it’ I will protest by writing my own script!

image

I am in love with the horror genre. I thought I had my fill of the supernatural genre; The Conjuring 2 prove me wrong. I actually have a new appetite for it…when it’s done in The James Wan way. The Conjuring 2 screams to be seen on the big screen. It is truly a blockbuster horror movie that will go down as one of the greatest horror sequels of all time.

4/4 stars

Blumhouse Resurrects Halloween!

It’s been 7 years since Rob Zombie gave us his terrifying vision that was Halloween II. I was hoping we’d get a trilogy from the Monster God RZ but we didn’t. And thus began another Dark Age for Michael Myers.

Years went by and rumors of a new Halloween spread like a plague. Whispers of a Halloween 3D almost became real. We even got a taste of something sweet when Halloween Returns was announced. But it was quickly slashed to death. My fear that the Halloween franchise would never be seemed too real.

But something happened tonight that changed everything.

The Internet exploded a few minutes ago when filmmaker and horror machine, Jason Blum of Blumhouse announced they will be co-producing the new Halloween film! But that ain’t the best part! Horror God John Carpenter will executive produce!

Let that sink in. Not only is the best franchise in history getting a kick-start but the man who created it all will have a creative hand deep inside its meaty belly!

Ladies and gentlemen, when Blumhouse backs a legendary horror franchise, you can bet your last box of Boo Berries that we are in excellent hands. I literally want to backflip, Willy Wonka style, around the block!

image

Michael Myers kills again in ‘Halloween Returns’.

It appears that Dimension Films and Trancas International Films have announced the resurrection of The Shape in a new installment of the Halloween franchise titled, Halloween Returns. This marks the 11th installment of the legendary franchise.

Halloween Returns has been written by Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton. Dunstan, who was the writer of the Project Greenlight winning film, Feast, will also direct. The new duo have worked together on the Saw Franchise – film four to seven.

That’s all fine and dandy but is that enough to bring Michael Myers back to the his original killing form? Halloween fans got to see a fresh take on the series with Rob Zombies brutal retelling. Though RZ’s films offered a different view of Myers I, and most fans, still found myself craving the return of the classic Boogeyman. But will we get that?

Probably not. Why? It’s simple – Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Meltons entire film career consists of poorly received horror films. Sure they spawned sequels from The Collector and Feast but what horror movie hasn’t spawned a sequel? Feast(1) is barely a cult film. Saw 4-7 are deemed the worst in the series when it comes to the writing. They seem to be over the top gore whores that focus purely on Torture Horror. So what does that mean for Halloween?

It projects the possibility of overly gory Halloween film. Which, in turn, projects another Rob Zombie like take on the series. Which is something, I am sure, fans do not want to see again.

Oh. Guess what? Halloween Returns begins filming in July. That’s less than two weeks away! So what will be see in HR?

The awesome, all things horror site, shocktillyoudrop has revealed that Halloween Returns will have Michael Myers escaping death row and killing again. They also revealed that a reoccuring character from Halloween II will be featured as well. The general consensus is that the film will be taking place after the original Halloween II. Ignoring everything else in the franchise much like Jurassic World did.

With filming underway next month we can only hope that Malek Akkad will help guide Dunstan away from his views on horror and give us the Halloween movie the world craves.

Their are only a few ingredients to a successful Halloween film. A simple plot weaved within the Myers legacy is one of them. But the main ingredient is simply reminding kids that something is out there, watching them from the shadows, a shape…a shape of pure evil.

-The Gaunt