I bought a box of 26 year old Addams Family Cereal.

A couple of weeks ago I had a Tuesday off. I’m still adjusting to the rather random schedule of my e-commerce job but having a day off while the majority of the world works is a very bodacious thing.

The first thing I did was stand by my window, wearing my lucky Star Wars underwear, and laugh like Tim Curry in Legend as the sad-sacks outside trudged to work.

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That lasted for about fifteen minutes. But what could I do with the rest of my time off? Should I tighten up my personal financial reports? Should I continue plotting my screenplay? Or should I clean up my apartment and fight off the sentient broccoli instide my fridge? The world was my Oyster. I was going to use this day to better myself. So I went to my local antique Store and purchased a 26 year old box of Addams Family Cereal.

The world was my Oyster. I knew was going to use this day to better myself. I was going to fire up my inner Tony Robbins and kick the day in the ass.  So I went to my local antique store and purchased a 26 year old box of Addams Family Cereal.

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It’s been two weeks and I’m still not sure if I’m proud of buying cereal that’s 2 years my junior. A mystery that haunts the top of my fridge.

What drove me to this $4 dollar purchase was the fact I had no idea that The Addams Family movie dipped its toes in the cereal world. I was really freaking amazed.  Don’t be surprised by this. I missed out on a crap ton of cool stuff from the 90’s because of life. But that’s why I have this blog. To fill in the blanks. The Addams Family Cereal find will be one of many for me.

This awesome website – Mr. Breafast – gives a nice breakdown on the history and contents of this very cool cereal tie-in. Read all about it by clicking the link. 

Examining the box really made me miss how freaking awesome everything was back in the day. We can’t even get NEW Halloween cereal despite the fact that Halloween has never been hotter. Imagine if the new Ghostbusters movie or the Goosebumps movie had a cereal! I know Goosebumps did it before. Why not do it for the new movie?!

Missed opportunities, guys!

Just look The Addams Family Cereal box. Look at the design. I don’t know if the corporate fat cats from the 90’s were far more creative or gutsy. Whatever the X-factor they had needs to come back to 2017.

 

“THE CREEPY, CRUNCH CEREAL WITH THE GREAT TASTE YOU’LL SCREAM FOR.”

Even the catchphrase on the cereal is awesome. Not impressed? Check out the commercial!

 

Watching this really made me want more modern cereal movie tie-ins. I don’t care for the superhero stuff. I’m talking spooky movies damn it!

Just imagine if the IT movie randomly came out with a Pennywise themed cereal. It would be kinda like Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries. The various colored berries would be Pennywise’s balloons. The box would be white with his face dominating the entire front. The catchphrase?

The title: Pennywises Sugar Pops!

The catchphrase?

“It’s so good, you’ll float too!”   

And for the collectible?

A mini plastic Pennywise that changes his face when you press a button on his back!   

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Oh boy. Now I’m sad. Maybe I’ll just eat this 26 year old box of Addams Family cereal and think about what could be but never will be.

-Sad Dracula.

Halloween Treats 2017: Part I

In order to escape the insanity of the day I decided that Goober peanut butter and jelly was needed in my life. I am an avid consumer of the sandwich called PB&J. So when I get the need to feed, I jauntily head to my kitchen to consume. Today I really needed a fix. So you could imagine how fucking pissed I was when I found my supply of Goober was all but gone!

Beyond irritated (nothing new) I drove to my local supermarket in what I can only describe as fucking terrible weather. It was like living in a wet wool sock that was worn during football practice. Luckily the local Jewel was only minutes from my crypt.

Using a spatula to scrap my balls from my truck seat, I wandered into the nearly empty store with Goober on my mind but came out with something much, much more.

Yeah, I found the Goober goodness but I also found some freaking awesome Halloween treats! My head was so distracted that I forgot that the chances of encountering Halloween in the wild were pretty high since I personally started Halloween this year. You read that correctly. I found Halloween first. Let me have my childish statement, damn it!

So without further ado I present to you my Halloween Treats: Part 1.

 I’m not going to bore you with my play-by-play analysis  of this bologna. But what I will say is this – The color scheme of Halloween treats truly erases any negativity that surfaces in my pea brain. These packages and all that they contain is one of the many reasons why we all love Halloween.

Neon Ghosts

Kyle Brown came home late one night tripping on mushrooms. These are not the mushrooms that you put in your salad, however you probably can do so. It would entirely depend on how weird you are.

The kind that Kyle Brown took were inter-dimensional. They’re the kind that make time deathly slow as you see everything in neon. It was on Halloween that he came home tripping on these shrooms.

Kyle reached for his doorknob and the doorknob glowed with a brilliance that he could not describe nor truly comprehend. So he laughed in euphoria and entered his studio apartment.

The single pumpkin light in the far corner of his studio glowed in a fiery orange smile much like it had done before but this time it was alive with color. This was no doubt the result of the drugs that he had consumed three hours earlier. With a swift twist of his wrist Kyle locked the door. He was safely inside or so he thought.

Kyle hummed to himself as he slipped off his tired loafers. That’s when he felt it. Something was clogging up the studio apartment atmosphere. Whatever it was Kyle did not like it. He slowly lifted his head up and scanned the room to see a neon glowing sheet ghost sitting on his sagging sofa.

Kyle could hear his heart howling to get out of his chest. He blinked and blinked but the classic sheeted ghost that glowed so brilliantly neon did not go away as hoped. It flashed orange, red, purple, green and blue. It was not in that order. It seemed to have no order in its display.

The ghost reminded Kyle of those freaky fluorescent flashing fish that hang out in the darkest depths of the ocean. The ones that they always showed on ocean specific documentaries for late-night television viewing. Television was something he could turn off. This was not something he could turn off or make go away. Without taking his spiraling eyes off the paranormal intruder, Kyle slowly reach for the light switch.

” DO NOT TURN ON THE LIGHTS!” said a soft childlike voice that slipped out from underneath the folds of the sheeted ghost.

“uh, why?” was the only thing his cosmic lit brain could think to say.

The ghost did not answer but instead swiftly and effortlessly stood up from its sitting position as if it was hoisted up by an invisible string. The ghost was nearly ten feet tall. It’s rounded head scraped the ceiling. The head slowly turned towards Kyle and revealed two black eyes and black moaning mouth.

“You dick!” roared Kyle as he fell on the floor in disbelief.

The ghost started laughing hysterically. He pointed at Kyle and buckled over in glee. Slapping his ghost knee he bellowed out, “I got you, you stupid dink!”

Kyle shook his head and stared at the laughing asshole.

“Booghoulie, I could fucking kill you!

“That’s what you get for doing shrooms without me.”

Kyle looked at his laughing ghost roommate with a face as cold as a tombstone. How could he hate this sad sack of a ghost? After all he was his best friend.

“Besides,” said Booghoulie. “I’m already dead!”

Kyle exploded in a fit of laughter at this obvious truth. The small, drab studio apartment was quickly filled with joy for nothing is better than having a best friend in life and in death.

Halloween is 100 Days Away.

STOP what you are doing! Halloween is 100 days away! This means we can officially start celebrating our most sacred Holiday!  

HOORAY!

I like to kick off my celebration by watching a couple of Halloween movies. However, their is a rule that I always obey- I will not watch the original Halloween until all Hallows Eve draws closer! This is fine with me because the franchise is filled with goodness. 

One of my favorites is H20. I already watched it not ‘so long ago but it has great rewatch value. Plus, the VHS has a killer CREED video at the end. Can you taste the 90’s.

Another thing I need to do is start tossing up some decorations. I’m planning on making my apartment into the coolest haunt this side of Instagram because I have no physical friends. I’m talking vintage spookiness mixed with a dash of blood, pumpkins and monsters galore.

I’m also working on a killer Spotify playlist that will bring out the dead. Music is super important to my resurrection of Halloween. It keeps the pumpkin blood flowing. Ya feel me?

So how are you getting ready for Halloween? What is the first thing you do to celebrate? Whatever it is I just hope you do it because ain’t nothing better than some HALLOWEEN. 

Moving forward The Graveyard Machine will be diving into all things Halloween.

 Now, let’s have some fun.

Halloween Delight

Upon the faces of those who fright

Ancient haunts will delight

Under witches moonlight.

All will giggle,

And all with glee

For something sweet and sugary

Skeletons in cobbed hats

silly little tykes dressed as bats

and very confused cats dressed as rats!

All are equal on this night,

When the pumpkins are a’ light

Boo! Squeek! Eek! Halloween Fright!

Michael Myers kills again in ‘Halloween Returns’.

It appears that Dimension Films and Trancas International Films have announced the resurrection of The Shape in a new installment of the Halloween franchise titled, Halloween Returns. This marks the 11th installment of the legendary franchise.

Halloween Returns has been written by Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton. Dunstan, who was the writer of the Project Greenlight winning film, Feast, will also direct. The new duo have worked together on the Saw Franchise – film four to seven.

That’s all fine and dandy but is that enough to bring Michael Myers back to the his original killing form? Halloween fans got to see a fresh take on the series with Rob Zombies brutal retelling. Though RZ’s films offered a different view of Myers I, and most fans, still found myself craving the return of the classic Boogeyman. But will we get that?

Probably not. Why? It’s simple – Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Meltons entire film career consists of poorly received horror films. Sure they spawned sequels from The Collector and Feast but what horror movie hasn’t spawned a sequel? Feast(1) is barely a cult film. Saw 4-7 are deemed the worst in the series when it comes to the writing. They seem to be over the top gore whores that focus purely on Torture Horror. So what does that mean for Halloween?

It projects the possibility of overly gory Halloween film. Which, in turn, projects another Rob Zombie like take on the series. Which is something, I am sure, fans do not want to see again.

Oh. Guess what? Halloween Returns begins filming in July. That’s less than two weeks away! So what will be see in HR?

The awesome, all things horror site, shocktillyoudrop has revealed that Halloween Returns will have Michael Myers escaping death row and killing again. They also revealed that a reoccuring character from Halloween II will be featured as well. The general consensus is that the film will be taking place after the original Halloween II. Ignoring everything else in the franchise much like Jurassic World did.

With filming underway next month we can only hope that Malek Akkad will help guide Dunstan away from his views on horror and give us the Halloween movie the world craves.

Their are only a few ingredients to a successful Halloween film. A simple plot weaved within the Myers legacy is one of them. But the main ingredient is simply reminding kids that something is out there, watching them from the shadows, a shape…a shape of pure evil.

-The Gaunt

Pray

My house is haunted

My children are possessed,

my dog is insane,

and my wife got a screamin’ brain

 

This time Saturday the priest gonna come,

he gonna bring his army of good guys,

He gonna pull that gleaming God chain,

he gonna eat away all the pain

 

That’s a week away

oh no, that’s a week away,

What the hell I’m’a supposed to, that’s a week away,

Guess I got to break the knees and pray