Felix Fogwright was skinny now. Before, Felix was a fat kid who would shove bacon laced burgers down his throat, and wash the greasy mounds down with a thick chocolate milkshake. Something he used to call “the meat slide.” But Felix Fogwright was skinny now.
It was only last year that he happened across Mr. Glut and his top secret skinny diet. It was a fool proof method that would see Felix thin just before the start of his high school career -something that he knew was super important to any soon-to-be freshman fatty. It was indeed a fool proof plan if Felix Fogwright was a listener, and of course he wasn’t.
It might have been built up burger grease that dripped inside his ears. Perhaps his head was so full of cotton candy and chocolate bars that his brain had no room to listen. Whatever it was, it cost the soon-to-be freshman skinny kid to suffer what Mr. Glut called “the one side effect that would occur if he did not pay heed to his warning of one vegetable a day!”
By God! All Felix had to do was eat one vegetable a day in order to not feel the one side effect that he was currently feeling. Anything! One baby carrot or one broccoli – it simply did not matter as long as it was one stinking vegetable. Poor stupid kid.
Well, you could have asked Felix Fogwright exactly why he didn’t listen, but that would require him to be present. You see, the one side effect to Mr. Gluts’ one side effect fool proof diet was this: drink the elixir and eat one vegetable a day, or become so terribly hungry that you will have no choice but to begin to “autocannibalize .“ You read that correctly – autocannibalize (the act of eating oneself).
So, the reason you cannot talk to Felix Fogwright is that he ate himself up. But don’t be foolish. He didn’t eat himself up all the way. That would be ludicrous. No, he ate himself up right up to his chest area. Everything from his toes, feet, legs, guts, liver, both kidneys, and eventually his fat little heart – in which he sucked dry like those delicious milkshakes he oh so loved.
So Fat Felix Fogwright was happy. Dead, yes, but happy nonetheless. But you wouldn’t know that because he’s dead. And dead fat kids tell no tales.