I bought a box of 26 year old Addams Family Cereal.

A couple of weeks ago I had a Tuesday off. I’m still adjusting to the rather random schedule of my e-commerce job but having a day off while the majority of the world works is a very bodacious thing.

The first thing I did was stand by my window, wearing my lucky Star Wars underwear, and laugh like Tim Curry in Legend as the sad-sacks outside trudged to work.

tenor (1).gif

That lasted for about fifteen minutes. But what could I do with the rest of my time off? Should I tighten up my personal financial reports? Should I continue plotting my screenplay? Or should I clean up my apartment and fight off the sentient broccoli instide my fridge? The world was my Oyster. I was going to use this day to better myself. So I went to my local antique Store and purchased a 26 year old box of Addams Family Cereal.

The world was my Oyster. I knew was going to use this day to better myself. I was going to fire up my inner Tony Robbins and kick the day in the ass.  So I went to my local antique store and purchased a 26 year old box of Addams Family Cereal.

wp-image-968287328

It’s been two weeks and I’m still not sure if I’m proud of buying cereal that’s 2 years my junior. A mystery that haunts the top of my fridge.

What drove me to this $4 dollar purchase was the fact I had no idea that The Addams Family movie dipped its toes in the cereal world. I was really freaking amazed.  Don’t be surprised by this. I missed out on a crap ton of cool stuff from the 90’s because of life. But that’s why I have this blog. To fill in the blanks. The Addams Family Cereal find will be one of many for me.

This awesome website – Mr. Breafast – gives a nice breakdown on the history and contents of this very cool cereal tie-in. Read all about it by clicking the link. 

Examining the box really made me miss how freaking awesome everything was back in the day. We can’t even get NEW Halloween cereal despite the fact that Halloween has never been hotter. Imagine if the new Ghostbusters movie or the Goosebumps movie had a cereal! I know Goosebumps did it before. Why not do it for the new movie?!

Missed opportunities, guys!

Just look The Addams Family Cereal box. Look at the design. I don’t know if the corporate fat cats from the 90’s were far more creative or gutsy. Whatever the X-factor they had needs to come back to 2017.

 

“THE CREEPY, CRUNCH CEREAL WITH THE GREAT TASTE YOU’LL SCREAM FOR.”

Even the catchphrase on the cereal is awesome. Not impressed? Check out the commercial!

 

Watching this really made me want more modern cereal movie tie-ins. I don’t care for the superhero stuff. I’m talking spooky movies damn it!

Just imagine if the IT movie randomly came out with a Pennywise themed cereal. It would be kinda like Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries. The various colored berries would be Pennywise’s balloons. The box would be white with his face dominating the entire front. The catchphrase?

The title: Pennywises Sugar Pops!

The catchphrase?

“It’s so good, you’ll float too!”   

And for the collectible?

A mini plastic Pennywise that changes his face when you press a button on his back!   

pennywise.gif

Oh boy. Now I’m sad. Maybe I’ll just eat this 26 year old box of Addams Family cereal and think about what could be but never will be.

-Sad Dracula.

Halloween ’88

Halloween is coming around the corner fast! It is at this time that I would like to share with you some RETRO Halloween art by my friend CMP.

He completed a piece called HALLOWEEN 88′. The image you see really hit home for me. It captures the essence of what we want (or remember) Halloween to be like. Before the stupid alcohol infused parties and tity witches, we had legit Halloween experiences. Scary ghost stories, trick r’ treating, awesome costumes etc. It was a time of innocents. It was Halloween 88′.

ChrisDoesComics.com

Halloween88 Prints now available in my store!

Do you remember when times were like this? Or perhaps a Halloween that never was.

cropped-symbolofgreatness

View original post

Halloween Treats 2017: Part I

In order to escape the insanity of the day I decided that Goober peanut butter and jelly was needed in my life. I am an avid consumer of the sandwich called PB&J. So when I get the need to feed, I jauntily head to my kitchen to consume. Today I really needed a fix. So you could imagine how fucking pissed I was when I found my supply of Goober was all but gone!

Beyond irritated (nothing new) I drove to my local supermarket in what I can only describe as fucking terrible weather. It was like living in a wet wool sock that was worn during football practice. Luckily the local Jewel was only minutes from my crypt.

Using a spatula to scrap my balls from my truck seat, I wandered into the nearly empty store with Goober on my mind but came out with something much, much more.

Yeah, I found the Goober goodness but I also found some freaking awesome Halloween treats! My head was so distracted that I forgot that the chances of encountering Halloween in the wild were pretty high since I personally started Halloween this year. You read that correctly. I found Halloween first. Let me have my childish statement, damn it!

So without further ado I present to you my Halloween Treats: Part 1.

 I’m not going to bore you with my play-by-play analysis  of this bologna. But what I will say is this – The color scheme of Halloween treats truly erases any negativity that surfaces in my pea brain. These packages and all that they contain is one of the many reasons why we all love Halloween.

I Found the Devil at Flashback Weekend.

The green and red mohawked man’s jean jacket vest was covered in the most extreme horror patches and buttons I had ever seen. He had patches dedicated to Cannibal Holocaust and pins featuring Charles Band’s shit-tastic pile of cinema trash. But it wasn’t these obnoxious displays of identity that disturbed me so; it was the pinned patch in the center of his jacket that read, “Ask Me About Satan.”

These horror conventions are drowning with all sorts of characters. Here, you’ll find Halloween-Heads, Horror critics, Punks, and even the ultra rare, almost extinct legend that is the Goth. So it wasn’t really the patch that had my heart pumping faster than normal. It was his aura.

I’m almost positive this guy felt me judging his patches because he turned around and grinned straight at my face. I pulled my eyes away and started awkwardly staring at some shitty homemade spooky candles that some aged punk rocker chick was selling.

But what the fuck did I see? It was only a brief glance but I’m almost positive the Satan patched dude had tiny sharp teeth and bible black eyes! I decided to steal another glance.

Confirmed! The guy was still staring at me and he had the blackest fucking eyes I had ever seen. Shark eyes. The eyes that Quint from Jaws spoke about. Before I could process the thought through my energy drink trenched brain, the guy turned around and walked swiftly through the crowd. And I did the stupidest thing anybody could do after seeing a sharp toothed guy with devil eyes: I followed.

I pushed past a fat Freddy who was delivering one out of a thousand cheesy Nightmare lines. Fred cosplay voices are equivalent to Heath Ledger Joker cosplay voices so I couldn’t help but wince. But doing this distracted me from focusing on the man with the ‘Ask me about Satan patch. And that’s when I crashed into Sean Patrick Flanery.

S.P.F (thanks Chris) was fist pumping to terrible music. He smiled and audibly hooted in some sort of cocaine or super fruit vitamin burst. I looked past his orange glow to see my target farther than I wanted him to be. Flanery hooted again and invited me to a shared pump of the fists.

“Not now, Junior!”

I pushed past him.and continued my search for the Satan guy. I couldn’t locate him! I hissed a curse as I desperately scanned the buzzing convention floor like a T-800.

Target acquired! I found him taking a selfie with some big boobed girl with tattoos that she could not have gotten sober. With some sort of stupid courage, I hit continue in this stupid game of cat and mouse!

Just as I was about to reach him, or IT, a t-shirt vendor ambushed me.

“Don’t be shy! Take a look at all our overpriced t-shirts!” said the vendor who grew up on the Twilight Saga.

“Cool but, uh-”

“I know right?! See they all glow under black light?! You see? How cool is that – black light?”

She giggled and flashed a black-light wand like some 12-year-old girl high on rock candy. I wasn’t in the market for stupid shirts but I knew I couldn’t escape this trap so easily. So, I let her have it.

“Why the fuck would I pay $35 dollars for a shirt that turns on with a light that I’ll never encounter unless I’m raving with the crew from Return of the Living Dead? And if I’m exposed to said light I’d be risking the embarrassing fact that I have a ton of cum stain on and around my crotch area. Goodbye.”

Using my rudeness as Bat-smoke, I zipped past her and rounded the corner to where I saw the Mohawk Satan go.

“GOD DAMN IT!” I roared.

The fucker was gone! A wave of panic started to sit on my chest as I looked around like Charles Band looking for a paycheck. Was this going to be one of those crazy ass stories that would haunt my mind until the day I die? The story about the time I saw a real demon at a horror con. What a story that could have been.

The chemicals in my brain did a little dance and I felt depressed as I gloomily walked away to continue my gazing at Lance Henrikson’s liver spots.

“Hey.”

A cigarette cracked voice behind me said. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Somehow, someway I knew this voice belonged to HIM!

My heart pumped faster than Sean Patrick Flanery’s fist as I slowly turned around to confront whatever he or IT was.

His eyes were blacker than black. His teeth; yellow jagged abominations that could rip flesh from bone. Under his jean jacket vest, he wore a simple Hanes undershirt with a crude image of an upside down Crucified Jesus. This guy was the real fucking deal!

With a smile, he presented a large black book to me. The book was made of leather. The cover had the Satanic pentagram etched in fine gold ink. I know what this was. It was the Book of Satan! Once I sign it he would give me whatever I wanted! Just like in The Witch movie!

“Wanna check out my portfolio?”.

My saucer wide eyes and slit mouthed grin instantly dropped.

“Whaa?”

The devil guy chortled, put up his index finger to me as if to tell me to hold on. With his other hand, he pulled out his yellow teeth with a slurp. A line of spit webbed from his mouth and fake teeth. The spit string snapped.

“Damn teeth. Gotta love Spirit Halloween, uh?” He chortled again in merriment. “Wanna check out my portfolio. I’m an artist.”

My jaw fell to the floor. That’s when I noticed he was standing behind a booth that read: Vincent Vicious: Dark Mind, Dark Soul, Dark Art.

This guy fucking just baited me right up the ass! I started tearing up as I grabbed his book of art and flipped it opened. Inside I found life like pictures of classic horror icons like Freddy, Jason, and Dracula. The only thing was they were all drawn like Penises. The guy who I thought was an agent of Satan drew life like horror icons as if they were life like dicks. What. The. Fuck.

My lips trembled as tears softly fell down my cheeks. I Sad Dracula’d hard as I walked further into his trap by complimenting his Horror Penis talents.

“That’s soo…original.”

The asshole smiled a beautiful set of teeth. His right black eyeball popped out. A contact. He pulled the other one out. Two beautiful blue eyes twinkled at me.

“Not biggie. Got them cheap on Amazon. Free shipping with Prime. Total win. Wanna buy a print?”

He pointed at a selection of 8×5 prints of his dick art. He had everything from Regan from The Exorcist to a big black King Kong.

“Come on. Help me out. I’m hungry. I gotta make a living. You love horror, right? These are Con exclusives. Come on, these tables aren’t cheap. Whaddya say, buddy? ”

I must have left my body because I saw myself completely giving in by his sales Kung Fu. He sale slayed me. I was almost sobbing as I pointed at the Michael Myers as a penis print.

“That one.”

He pulled it down and autographed it. In what he must have thought as super clever, he added an exclamation in the shape of a penis.

“That would be 45 bones, my man.”

I trembled a smile and gave him my credit card.

In the background, Sean Patrick Flanery gave me a whats up chin and fist pumped in my direction as the black light t-shirt vendor hung on his bicep. She was waving her wand at SPF’s crotch area.  His crotch glowed with a stain.

I cried.

 

Neon Ghosts

Kyle Brown came home late one night tripping on mushrooms. These are not the mushrooms that you put in your salad, however you probably can do so. It would entirely depend on how weird you are.

The kind that Kyle Brown took were inter-dimensional. They’re the kind that make time deathly slow as you see everything in neon. It was on Halloween that he came home tripping on these shrooms.

Kyle reached for his doorknob and the doorknob glowed with a brilliance that he could not describe nor truly comprehend. So he laughed in euphoria and entered his studio apartment.

The single pumpkin light in the far corner of his studio glowed in a fiery orange smile much like it had done before but this time it was alive with color. This was no doubt the result of the drugs that he had consumed three hours earlier. With a swift twist of his wrist Kyle locked the door. He was safely inside or so he thought.

Kyle hummed to himself as he slipped off his tired loafers. That’s when he felt it. Something was clogging up the studio apartment atmosphere. Whatever it was Kyle did not like it. He slowly lifted his head up and scanned the room to see a neon glowing sheet ghost sitting on his sagging sofa.

Kyle could hear his heart howling to get out of his chest. He blinked and blinked but the classic sheeted ghost that glowed so brilliantly neon did not go away as hoped. It flashed orange, red, purple, green and blue. It was not in that order. It seemed to have no order in its display.

The ghost reminded Kyle of those freaky fluorescent flashing fish that hang out in the darkest depths of the ocean. The ones that they always showed on ocean specific documentaries for late-night television viewing. Television was something he could turn off. This was not something he could turn off or make go away. Without taking his spiraling eyes off the paranormal intruder, Kyle slowly reach for the light switch.

” DO NOT TURN ON THE LIGHTS!” said a soft childlike voice that slipped out from underneath the folds of the sheeted ghost.

“uh, why?” was the only thing his cosmic lit brain could think to say.

The ghost did not answer but instead swiftly and effortlessly stood up from its sitting position as if it was hoisted up by an invisible string. The ghost was nearly ten feet tall. It’s rounded head scraped the ceiling. The head slowly turned towards Kyle and revealed two black eyes and black moaning mouth.

“You dick!” roared Kyle as he fell on the floor in disbelief.

The ghost started laughing hysterically. He pointed at Kyle and buckled over in glee. Slapping his ghost knee he bellowed out, “I got you, you stupid dink!”

Kyle shook his head and stared at the laughing asshole.

“Booghoulie, I could fucking kill you!

“That’s what you get for doing shrooms without me.”

Kyle looked at his laughing ghost roommate with a face as cold as a tombstone. How could he hate this sad sack of a ghost? After all he was his best friend.

“Besides,” said Booghoulie. “I’m already dead!”

Kyle exploded in a fit of laughter at this obvious truth. The small, drab studio apartment was quickly filled with joy for nothing is better than having a best friend in life and in death.

Halloween is 100 Days Away.

STOP what you are doing! Halloween is 100 days away! This means we can officially start celebrating our most sacred Holiday!  

HOORAY!

I like to kick off my celebration by watching a couple of Halloween movies. However, their is a rule that I always obey- I will not watch the original Halloween until all Hallows Eve draws closer! This is fine with me because the franchise is filled with goodness. 

One of my favorites is H20. I already watched it not ‘so long ago but it has great rewatch value. Plus, the VHS has a killer CREED video at the end. Can you taste the 90’s.

Another thing I need to do is start tossing up some decorations. I’m planning on making my apartment into the coolest haunt this side of Instagram because I have no physical friends. I’m talking vintage spookiness mixed with a dash of blood, pumpkins and monsters galore.

I’m also working on a killer Spotify playlist that will bring out the dead. Music is super important to my resurrection of Halloween. It keeps the pumpkin blood flowing. Ya feel me?

So how are you getting ready for Halloween? What is the first thing you do to celebrate? Whatever it is I just hope you do it because ain’t nothing better than some HALLOWEEN. 

Moving forward The Graveyard Machine will be diving into all things Halloween.

 Now, let’s have some fun.

Your Opinion Matters

Today I would like to remind you that it’s okay if you want to like or dislike something popular. This heavily applies to the world of horror. Heavily. Applies.

I really don’t like zombie movies. This opinion gets me crucified by my fellow horror fiends. But I really don’t give a rats ass on what they think. However, I see that the pop culture mind control machine prevents real opinions from being had for fear of not fitting in.

Like what you fucking want to like. Write, read, watch what YOU want. If you’re at a party and everybody is bitching about the Nightmare on Elm Street remake that you love, speak up! Don’t let robots crap on your views. Tell them how and why your opinion matters. Because it does!

Just remember that your views and opinion is what makes YOU unique. It also helps keep things fresh. So dear reader, stay fresh or join the mundane horde of popular opinions and slowly rot away.

Godzilla Resurgence sucked….

Burger King Kids Club Halloween

I have hundreds (and I mean hundreds) of fast food toys. I love them. They remind me of when salt was just salt and not a death sentence. My treasure trove of 90’s fast food toys is dominated by Burger King. I was always a BK kid. I found Kid Vid and his radical pals to be far more cooler than that slap happy clown who was up to something sinister. Never trust a clown!

So I have a ton of neat toys from the golden age of BK. Everything from Pokemon to Bonkers crash cars. However, my collection has one monstrous hole in it. Actually, it far more than a hole. The series that I missed out on goes beyond owning any of the physical toys. I simply cannot remember these toys being advertised! That’s a damn shame since I am a big fan of the Universal Horror Monsters!

Check out this killer Burger King UHM commercial – Burger King Universal Monsters Trailer.

burger-king-1

I have no idea how I missed out on this epic campaign. It could be do to the fact that I was actually fighting monsters instead of playing with them. Pshhh. Ya’ll have no idea what I have seen!

Watching the commercial reminds me of how kick ass fast food toys use to be. Now we get these dinky toys that aren’t even playable. The heck! CAN’T A GUY JUST ORDER A KIDS MEAL SO HE CAN FORGET ABOUT MODERN TIMES!

Ebay hunting I go.

Bye.

 

 

 

Sad Dracula Finds: VHS Treasures! Vol.1

Friday was filled with relaxation. Saturday was pleasantly lost with friends and alcohol. Sunday was, and always will be, the day of the hunt! Sometimes hunting bodacious treasures takes me to Flea Markets, thrift stores or garage sales for stuff. But this time it was centered on a single solitary mission – hunt for VHS Treasures!

98% of horror fans collect VHS. This is fact. My interest in the almighty VHS was rather simple. My mission was to reclaim all the tapes I had as a kid. I suffer from a danger case of nostalgiaitis. (not a word). So began my journey across Chicagoland to collect the movies in my past. I needed to see the old promos. I need to hear the iconic music of each production company when they owned Hollywood. Nothing beats the old New World Pictures or Orion Pictures production title cards.

What turned into collecting the past turned into an addiction. I would come across horror films that I loved but never saw on tape. The boxes would mesmerize me. Before I knew it I purchased whatever horror VHS I found. Me likey forever.

So this Sunday I continued my VHS adventures. You can bet your left knee cap that  I found some very killer pieces. My collection is sophomoric compared to the big wigs out there. However, I could careless about the size of my…tape collection. It’s a grower not a shower.  But I’m feeling a little naughty. Me want to show you growth. I’ve worked hard at it. Shall we begin?

  1. King Kong VHS : 60th Anniversary Special Edition

20170312_211641.jpg

First up is this absolutely amazing King Kong 60th anniversary collectors edition tape. This was a perfect find since I saw and reviewed Kong: Skull Island! This golden nugget was released  by Turner Home Entertainment in 1993. The digital remastered soundtrack is tasty but what makes this beauty is the fact that the VHS cover ROARS! A brilliant yellow bubble that hovers over Kong on the cover informs the buyer to press Kongs chest. Once this is done we get to hear what sounds like bad indigestion or a grumpy tiger. Still awesome. Also, check out the opening promos that will open the flood gates of nostalgia!

CHECK IT! – King Kong VHS 1993 PROMO

2. Jaws: The Revenge VHS (98)

20170312_211849.jpg

What you look at this ugly piece of work! This 98 Goodtimes Home Video release is simply disgusting….so is Jaws: The Revenge. I love it so! Revenge was one of those movies that I would always watch on TV despite the fact that it offered too much shark and too much Lorraine Gary shoulder pads.

jaws4

Revenge is filled with ridiculous fun. It also features sexy Michael Caine as a Jimmy Buffet guy. I assure you will find delight in this trashbag movie after you separate it with it’s grandaddy from 1975.

For further fun check out this awesome VHS promo!

3. WWF’s Undertaker The Phenom VHS

20170312_211929.jpg

I’m not a mega fan of wrestling but I do love the attitude era. In this era I watched Undertaker do scary things. This made Sad Dracula excited and scared at the same time. Do you understand these two emotions?! Do you understand a child in the 90’s!? Do you understand THE PHENOM!

CNNqmQFWIAAA4hY

I”m really looking forward to watching this treat. The tape has the feud between Taker and his brother, Kane! So sweet. The Attitude Era was, in my opinion, the greatest era of wrestling, ever. It pushed all sorts of boundaries across the sport and across TV. Without this era Trump would have never been POTUS. Thank you, WWF.

4. Halloween:1999 Restored Collectors Edition – Holographic/Hologram cover!

20170315_210948.jpg

When I found this at Half Price I shrieked out loud. I remember seeing this VHS at my old video store on Grand Ave! I haven’t seen it since. It was like finding an old toy in the attic. I never watched this particular VHS. It was the mere image of the Pumpkin transforming to Michael Myers that awed me. I remember if you stood to the side the image would be this demented half Myers/Pumpkin face killer! Ahhh!

20170315_211042.jpg

5. THE REST OF THE HOARD!

20170312_212011.jpg

Well, times a wasting away so I figured I would reveal the rest of my juicy finds! The haul was a tremendous one for a guy like me. A man on a budget so tight that it makes a Rabbi Mortistein look like a 14 year old girl at the mall with her first paycheck.

Collecting this trash is a stress reliever for me. I enjoy it. It’s cheap. It’s fun. It beats sucking on the bottle. Here’s to infinite happiness!